Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The Vehicle and the Runner

It seems to be the case that when one runs for the stopped bus/train/public transit vehicle whose departure is in the very near future, it leaves before one can get on it, without fail. As a result, valuable minutes of one's day are wasted, adding up to many hours and even perhaps days over long periods of time. This happens so often that one may be tempted to craft a theory postulating that if one is not standing right at the bus stop (or wherever the assumed entry point of the public transit vehicle is), successfully boarding the vehicle will be an impossible task; however, experimental data shows this is not the case. There are rather rare occurrences of successfully getting on the bus or the train or the whatever, but there are enough of these exceptions to the rule to disprove the general theory of never being able to get on. In fact, the behaviour of the departure time of the vehicle and the time of arrival of the person at the intended entrance, otherwise known as Vehicle-Runner Theory (VRT), follows an extremely intricate set of rules, so complex that it may never be fully understood by mere mortals. I am but one myself, but I will attempt to best explain the phenomenon of running for the bustrainvehicle while not incurring the gods of such. (Note: the two may be mutually exclusive; thankfully, I have not found out yet.)

We firstly consider the scenario that we are all familiar with: the vehicle leaves, without the runner on it. For convenience, we will not consider the aforementioned possibility of the runner actually being able to board the vehicle. This is the Classical Stream (CS) of VRT. In CS, there is simply one axiom: the vehicle leaves just before the runner has the opportunity to board the vehicle. We designate this CS-I, the singular constant of the universe that is the defining characteristic of CS. Usually, this opportunity manifests itself in the runner signalling frantically for the bus driver/other vehicle operator(s) to stop and wait for a couple more seconds, of course in vain.

One may ask - is there not a difference between someone casually walking to catch the bus and someone sprinting to catch the bus? Certainly, there is; a common pitfall of attempting to comprehend CS is the assumption that the point of vehicle entry closure is constant across all cases. The casual walker would have to be nearly at the point of vehicle entry to satisfy CS-I; in other words, the distance between the point of vehicle entry closure (e.g. where the runner is when the bus doors close) and the point of vehicle entry (e.g. where the bus doors actually are located), defined as the missed distance (MD), is very small. The sprinter would have more time to make it known that she intends to board the bus, and so if the MD were constant, the vehicle operator would surely notice the runner and thus be obligated to wait, therefore contradicting CS-I. The MD is necessarily increased to satisfy CS-I. Continuing with the bus example, this means that the MD is approximately the length of the bus, meaning that the sprinter would be near the rear of the bus when it departs.

An important fact to consider in CS, and in fact VRT in general, is the fact that other people boarding the bus are not taken into account, per se. VRT affects them if they are also running for the bus, of course - but if they were normally waiting for it like good people do, then VRT assumes that they have all already boarded. This means the in the previous example, if the bus is still in normal boarding state, then the runner cannot be remotely anywhere near the bus. It is only when the last of the normal passengers boards that the vehicle leaves, and the expected MD is observed.

In CS, we can do some simple reasoning relating the velocity of the runner, vr, and the MD. We know that if vr is small, then the MD must also be small as well, and if vr is large, the MD is also large. There are a plethora of other variables that may affect the MD, far too many to list in this simple overview of CS; for example, the weight of the load runners carry (Lr) and the noise that the runner makes (Nr) are important considerations in advanced CS. For simplicity, though, we will use a constant K to denote the entirety of the variables affecting the relationship between vr and MD:

It must be stressed that the linear approximation relating vr and the MD is exactly that: an approximation. It may be argued that a better one could be made by using a exponential relation; this was a contentious issue in the 58th VRT Colloquium, when the gradual disappearance of old buses featuring a stairwell at the entrance prompted a second look at the vr-MD relation. It should be noted, however, that the Colloquium became (in)famous not for this. It can be easily verified that the actual reason was the introduction of the Non-Standard Stream (NSS). It would be prudent to discuss this now.

For most circumstances, CS provides an adequate explanation of the observed events that occur when someone runs for the bus. Up until the weeks leading up to the 58th VRT Colloquium, the consensus was that CS-I could never be false, and that any anomalies where the runner was able to board the vehicle could be evidently easily explained by extraordinary events, e.g. a person with a bike or a wheelchair boarding the vehicle. However, a small group of VRT theorists proposed a radical hypothesis: that on rare occasion, there was nothing out of the ordinary to explain the case of a successful runner, and thus CS-I would fail.

The radicalists, after extensive research, determined that there was only one common factor in the cases where CS-I failed: the runner had sprinted at or very near her maximum velocity (denoted C, for "Crikey, I can't run any faster than this"; we note that the leader of the radicalists was Australian) for a prolonged time period (ts). When this happened, the runner was able to board the vehicle, but it would not leave right away. Instead, it would idle for anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes, depending on how close the C the runner had ran, and for how long. The faster the runner had sprinted (at velocity vs), the longer the idle time (ti) was. It was determined quickly that C was not, in fact, a constant, as someone not exactly in shape would have a vs much, much smaller than an Olympic runner. Regardless, if both had run at nearly their respective C values, then both would be waiting on the vehicle for a while after boarding.

With this observation, NSS was developed, making its first appearance in the general public at the aforementioned 58th VRT Colloquium. The tension immediately became apparent with NSS-I, the one axiom of NSS: "CS-I is incorrect." At that time, the radicalists had not been able to determine a formulaic relation between ts, vs/C, and ti; they only knew that the third was a function of the first two. Even today, as we will see later, there is not even a simple approximation of a relation, such as what CS gives. However, this limitation had no impact on the bombshell of NSS and NSS-I, which changed the landscape of VRT forever. At the Colloquium, two groups quickly formed: those who sided with the original radicalists who developed NSS, and the orthodox group that defended their faith in CS. (The Colloquium was also where the CS and NSS names were concepted; as no competing theory had existed before, there was only VRT rather than VRT-CS.) The two groups made customary attempts at reconciliation, but all were in vain and a rather great schism between CS and NSS formed.

After the conclusion of the 58th VRT Colloquium, the NSS theorists quickly organized one of their own. With this, the 1st RVT Colloquium was held six days later, where RVT stood for Runner-Vehicle Theory - in the words of the NSS theorists, they were "putting the runner first", as the runner could finally get on the vehicle. For our purposes, we will henceforth refer to the Colloquia held after these ones as VRT-CS and VRT-NSS rather than VRT and RVT, to avoid bias. So, in the 1st VRT-NSS Colloquium, the first attempts were made to relate the various parameters of the successful runner scenario, and to further distance themselves from CS. To this day, the VRT-NSS Colloquium is held six days after the VRT-CS Colloquium; the only exception was in 2001, when the CS theorists held their Colloquium at Two World Trade Center on the ninth of September, and the NSS theorists held theirs at the same place the next day.

The focus of the theory of NSS no longer includes the velocity of the runner compared to her maximum velocity and the time spent sprinting, per se. Rather, the two are now seen as separate parts contributing to a new singular variable, that of exhaustion (E). The detailed formulae are far too complicated to reproduce here, but they essentially provide a method of determining E from ts and vs/C. One can easily reason that higher values of ts and vs/C results in a higher value of E, although there is a distinct lack of an approximation of the relation between E and ti in NSS. Of course, this was decided in the 3rd VRT-NSS Colloquium, when the anti-CS sentiment was still rampant. Nevertheless, it is possible to use an (albeit unofficial) approximation.

It is known that there is a maximum value of E, which we denote as Emax; as it is a dimensionless variable, there is no real way of making sense of its specific value and how it applies to the general situation in VRT. Emax is not a constant, per se. Although it is the same value for a given scenario, it may change between scenarios depending on the person and their state at the time. Now, we consider the ratio E/Emax, whose value evidently varies between 0 and 1. There is a threshold value of this ratio determining whether the runner can board the vehicle or not; the value of the threshold is not defined in NSS, but it has been experimentally shown to be approximately 0.9. At this threshold, the vehicle's idle time, ti, is apparently also a constant, whose value is approximately ten seconds: we define it as Ci. NSS has not developed quite far enough to theoretically determine the relation between E/Emax and ti, but many experiments have been performed, and an approximate relation has been found:

Hence, if one runs herself completely to exhaustion, where E tends towards Emax, then the expected vehicle idle time becomes infinitely long. It is assumed to be impossible to have a value of E greater than Emax; NSS states that if definitive proof is given that does in fact show this is possible, the resulting enlightenment will provide the ability to create a time machine to go back in time and destroy CS. (This is the unofficial "NSS-II", as it is commonly dubbed.)

Both streams of VRT are still going strong. As VRT is a somewhat inexact science, both CS and NSS frequently modify their theories to include new surprising test cases. Even so, other variables are not accounted for in either CS nor NSS, the most notable of which we will discuss now as a conclusion. The 72nd VRT-CS and 15th VRT-NSS Colloquia both focused on the introduction of the scenario in which the vehicle operator was not actually on the vehicle when one was running to board it (e.g. while running for the bus at the bus loop, the bus driver has actually gone to the washroom). It was decided that if this was the case, VRT could not be applied. If the vehicle is scheduled to arrive at a specific location at a specific time and leave not too long after, such as a bus arriving at and departing a bus stop on its route, then it may be the case that the runner is running for a vehicle that she cannot even see. In this case, the vehicle may have either been early, in which case it would have already left, or late, in which case it would not be seen for an additional period of time. The additional factor of the discrepancy between the ideal and actual schedule of the vehicle is great enough to warrant the creation of SVRT, Scheduled Vehicle Runner Theory, where VRT merges with existing research on the scheduling of vehicles. Unsurprisingly, SVRT has quickly split into two streams: one where the runner is capable of boarding the vehicle, and one where it is impossible. Finally, there is the possibility of boarding a vehicle through some place other than the specified entry point. In this case, VRT is quite useless, and some reading up on Fare Evasion Theory and Authority Evasion Theory is recommended.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

awaken the slumbering

hurt Once there was a little boy who worked and worked every weekday in his little cubicle at work. One day he had so many windows open after working and working so very hard that he could no longer see the icons of the windows on the bottom panel! So he wished, and he wished, and after pressing the R button one more time it happened: one of his coworkers obtained a new monitor, and so the little boy received the coworker's old one. Finally, the little boy had a second monitor!

However the second monitor was actually kind of bad and emitted a faint high-frequency buzzing noise which greatly annoyed the little boy not to mention that connecting it in the first place would be a rather tedious process since the desktop he was using only had one VGA port and one DVI port with an Nvidia graphics card and had Ubuntu installed so he would have to have one monitor hooked up as VGA and the other as DVI and somehow have everything working perfectly on the software side as well but we all know how well Nvidia and Linux get along so the second monitor took its rightful place beside the first one never to be powered on for all eternity and so the moral of the story is

never buy the NEC MultiSync LCD 1960NXi. It will be a decision you regret forever. geddit? "awaken the slumbering", and then "hurt". awaken the slumbering hurt. essentially if you use monk in d&d then you may be lacking morals because we all know displacement is op and if you can kick people into pits, then, well, balance.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

hey do you guys know how to contact donald knuth i need to collect a cheque and i don't know how to reach him and i could use that money to buy some things right now

Logic is inconsistent. I have derived this from the existence of chillies. And no, I did not spell it wrong: I have consulted the Internet, and I am backed by approximately 7,630,000 search results for "chillies" (as of 2012-09-11).

But first things first. When I discussed this proof with a friend, he seemed a little uncomfortable with the claim that I had at first taken for granted. To match the mathematical rigor contained in the remainder of this proof, I shall start by stating, and fully justifying, this claim: Chillies are hot.

I know many of you are used to formulating hand-waving arguments to justify the claims in your fields that deserve a precise, infallible proof. I was going to write "a precise, foolproof proof", but that seemed like a horrible thing to do and I am a good person. In fact, I am so nice as to present to you the most rigorous proving technique currently acknowledged: Proof by Experimental Data and/or Citations from Select Sources. I will demonstrate this technique with the following lemma:

Lemma 1: Chillies are hot [1].

Proof:
[1]: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/1456995.stm 


Now let's proceed with the remainder of the proof:

Proposition 1: Chillies are hot.

Proposition 2: When something is hot, it is not chilly.

Proposition 3: Chilly sounds like, and therefore must be equivalent to, chillie.

This is a corollary to the famous quote "If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck." (As an aside, by the law of transitivity, chillie is also equivalent to Chile).

Now then, we have the following:

Proposition 4: Chillies are not chillie,

or equivalently,

Proposition 4*: Chillies iff not chillie.

A perceptive logician may immediately see a problem with this statement. Note that this is a statement of the form "P iff not P". Since there is clearly no way of assigning a truth value to "chillie" without allowing the universe to blow up (along with any remaining logical consistency) by the principle of explosion, this conclusively shows the inconsistency, and therefore the invalidity, of logic itself. 


Unless, of course, there is a truth value that has been excluded all along. If such truth value is discovered through more extensive experimental data, I will call it Middle.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Tempus Repet


BEEEEEEP

I slowly open my eyes. Beams of sunshine pierce through the window, penetrate my pupils, and blind my eyes. I can hear a low, monotonous murmur from a distance. Turning towards the deafening noise of my alarm clock, I can barely make out the blocky, lime-coloured numbers displaying 09:37.

"Fucking WHAT the FUCKing FUCK, who the FUCK, FUCK this FUCKing, how did this even FUCKING Fuck's FUCK!"

I curse under my breath as I pick up my glasses from the bedside table. I fucking hate Mondays. I jump to my feet, perhaps a little too quickly. I instantly fall back and grab my throbbing head, screaming in pain while my skull is being split open by invisible Mjolnir. Really, Monday can go eat a piece of shit, burn to a crisp char, and be pissed on. I reach for a bottle of water I left on the bedside and take a gulp. I can taste the bitter ash from the cigarette butt I threw into the bottle last night. Fucking shit. I guess I should be more appreciative though. After all, these are the only butts I'm legally allowed to put in my mouth. I stagger to my feet and make my way to the living room.

Something feels a little off, though. The air seems a little thin. I stop on the way and take a deep breath. I really need to get out and exercise.

"MEEE-"

I turn my head towards the source of the noise, only to meet the orange furball I share my apartment with.

"What's wrong, Garfield?"

"-EEEOW," finishes the cat.

That's right. I guess he wants to eat. I better feed this lazy, ungrateful ball of fat before he scratches me for further delaying his breakfast. I check my watch. 9:37 AM.

I scoop some catfood for Garfield and pour myself some orange juice. After feeding a slice of bread into the filthy toaster I got from a garage sale the other day, I start reading the paper. Of course, the front page is filled with the current medal count and buzz about the new Olympic stars. I flip to the last page and start doing the crosswords. I get stuck on 42 across: 6-lettered word for drooping upper eyelid, starting with P and ending in IS. I write "PEENIS" and move on to Sudoku.

I turn to the toaster after finishing the Sudoku. The bread still hasn't been toasted. Seriously? I'm late for work, AND I don't get to eat breakfast? I get up and check my watch. 9:37 AM. That doesn't seem right. I reach for my pocket and check my cell phone: 9:37 AM.

Oh, I know what's happening, I think to myself. I must be high. But all I remember from yesterday is drinking beer while watching TV and going to bed after lighting a cigarette. It's been weeks since I smoked weed, and I certainly don't feel high right now. Somehow, time seems to be dilated, as if I'm travelling at a relativistic speed. Relativistic. See? I'm capable of actually remembering this shit right now. There's no way I'm high.

I plop down on my couch and turn on the television. The television turns on instantly. Ha, that's funny, I think to myself. Light travels at the speed of light regardless of the reference frame, unaffected by time dilation. That's exactly the kind of explanation some college kid would give while writing some shitty story about time dilation after taking only one or two introductory physics courses at university.

They're broadcasting a fencing match on the TV. Semifinal between South Korea and Germany. Hey, I didn't know Koreans were good at something other than Starcraft. The score says 5-5, with only 2 seconds to go. Man, this is intense. I watch the match, frame by frame. It's like I'm watching this match in slow motion. This is pretty neat, I think to myself.

With only one second left on the clock, the German fencer moves in a blurring motion, managing three thrusts before landing a point, all in one second. As the match timer sets off, I feel dazed. There's another one like me. I take a sip of orange juice.

The cold, refreshing mouthful of citrus heaven trickles down my esophagus, cooling my entire existence. My taste receptors fire off action potentials as they bathe in the sour taste of lemons, mixed with the bittersweet aroma of grapefruit and tangy flavour of tangerines.

Five Alive® is an excellent source of folate, vitamin C, and potassium. Start off your long, tedious days by refreshing yourself with Five Alive®, available at your local grocery store.

Five Alive, Feel Alive!